Matrimony, Merriment, & Memento Mori
In December, my wife and I celebrated our three year wedding anniversary. On one hand, it is hard to imagine that we have only been married for three years, as it is hard to imagine or remember what life was like prior to being married. On the other hand, it seems like just yesterday that I was a nervous 22 year-old walking into Shane Co by myself looking for a ring after Ash Wednesday mass. “Remember, man, that thou art dust, and unto dust thou shall return.” Having heard that chipper reminder, and with ashes on my head, I went off to the jewelry store with the hope of an upcoming proposal.
I guess the theme of Ash Wednesday stuck with me because about ten days later, I was walking through a Civil War battlefield memorial with my girlfriend in Nashville, Tennessee, when I began my ever eloquent and romantic proposal speech. “You know, it seems to me that it’s fairly easy to die for a cause, or even to die for somebody else. And just because one dies for a cause does not mean that cause was a good one. After all, many people died on this very field for the cause of slavery.” I guess I chose a good woman because, after such a flattering and romantic beginning, she blurted out, “You aren’t proposing, are you?” Guilty. I think I really brought home my initial point about death and dying though. I concluded the proposal with, something to the effect of, “I don’t want to die for you, I want to live each day for you.” Feeling, what I can only imagine, was immense joy and elation after such stunning oratory and prose, she said yes.
In the months that followed, this idea of dying and living for another stuck with me, and when it was time to pick out our wedding rings, I decided to get the phrase “memento mori” (“remember your death”) inscribed on the inside of my wedding band, as a reminder that in order to properly love my bride and live for her, I must die to my own selfish wants and desire. It seems to me that this is a motto that every young man should take into marriage; it has certainly borne fruit in my own life.
“Memento mori” should be every married man’s motto and, perhaps even inscribed on every man’s wedding ring, for three reasons. First, “memento mori” reminds one that divorce is not an option. As a married man, or a man about to be married, you’ve committed your life to this woman. In fact, I would argue, your salvation likely hinges upon how you treat this woman. You cannot leave. You cannot run. You cannot go out for a carton of milk and cigarettes and never return. Your only way out is death. So, you better treat your spouse well. And if a man is ever tempted to leave his family or run off with another woman, “memento mori” will remind him that he has taken vows in front of both God and his community, and he must return home, and remain there until his death. Second, “memento mori” is a reminder that, like a thief in the night, death can come at any time. Sure, arguments in a marriage are bound to happen. But, you don’t want long drawn out arguments and growing animosity for extended periods of time. “Memento mori” may remind the husband that his death could be looming. And, in the event of his death, he’d prefer that his spouse mourn, as opposed to singing prayers of thanksgiving and deliverance. Thus, with the motto of “memento mori” in mind, the man may be encouraged to reconcile with his wife quickly, ask forgiveness if necessary, and move forward. Third, and perhaps most profound, the phrase “memento mori” reminds a man to die to himself daily, to die to his own selfish desires and passions and preferences, and to live for the sake of his spouse. Easier said than done! It’d be much easier and ostensibly more heroic to go and take a bullet for one’s spouse. But it is in this process, this lifelong struggle, that marriage is truly able to purge us from our disordered desires and attachments and sanctify us.
After we got married in December 2021, my wife moved in with me. And boy, she sure did bring a lot of stuff with her! Who knew she had lived a life and acquired things before meeting me!! And my goodness was I uncharitable towards her at times. This was my house, and things had a place where they belonged, and here was this woman messing things up. It was quite difficult for me to give up control, and to welcome my wife into what was once just my home. It is in these confrontations, however, even in something as seemingly insignificant as where we should store a dish or a bowl, that “memento mori” can remind a husband to put aside his own preferences, to put aside his desire to control, and defer to his bride.
If us husbands keep “memento mori” in mind, it seems to me that we will be holier, our marriages will be stronger, and we will be better examples for our children. Hopefully our deaths are many years away. But, when our time does eventually come, let us die how we lived, surrounded by family and praising Our God.
Liam
02/08/2025
